Louis de Bernieres

I found a most extraordinary writer. Louis de Bernieres. He wrote "Corelli's
Mandolin" (now a movie), "Red Dog","The War of Don Emmanuel's Nether Parts"
and "The Troublesome Offspring of Cardinal Guzman" I wish to give you a
sample of his writing. Although it is pretty sacrilegious, it is very funny
(to me). This passage is about Cardinal Guzman and "Beethoven's Third
Symphony" from " The Troublesome Offspring of Cardinal Guzman" Be sure and
read "The War of Don Emmanuel's Nether Parts" first.
(Selection from "TTOOCG" page 174)
"His Eminence settled down to listen to the symphony, and became a prey
to suggestibility. He furrowed his brow as he began to perceive the
unchastity of the music. Dismayed, he went to the telephone to ask the
librarian of the palace to bring him a copy of the score, if it could be
found on the shelves of the long-unvisited musical section.
The librarian arrived , out of breath from the stairs, and handed him a
yellowed and stained Henry Litolff edition that no one had previously
perused in all of it's many decades of existence. His Eminence settled down
with it and flicked through the pages.
His first impression was that of amazement that anyone had ever written any
symphonies at all. There was so much of it, and the composer must have had
to hear every detail of the music as it unfolded in his imagination,
adjusting it here and there in order to achieve intellectual and emotional
effects, tinkering with sonorities , bearing in mind the ranges and
limitations of different instruments. A symphony was a staggering
achievement, enough to make one believe that the voice of God echoed in the
mind of man.
The Cardinal put the record back to the beginning and tried to follow
the score as the music unfolded. He found it difficult, even though he had
learned some piano as a child and he became lost on the third page. He
sighed, and noticed with a start that there were two parts on the bass clef
marked for "fagotti." Was that not the gringo slang for"homosexual"? Could
Beethoven really have written parts for homosexuals? He rang down to the
library again and discovered that "fagotti" were bassoons. He put the record
back to the beginning once more. and followed the music with his finger.
Yes. The opening forte chords were very like the sudden arousal that
one experiences upon catching sight of a beautiful and sensual woman, and
then, "piano," there was a period like the romantic wistfulness that one
undergoes in thinking about her and imagining what one could say to her if
only an accidental encounter might be arranged. There were violent triple
chords like pelvic thrusts---could she be seduced already?---and then there
were the tripping violins just exactly like the teasing and fractional
contact of slender fingers tickling the hairs of the perineum. Then there
were more violent chords like the pelvic thrusts, but perhaps they were
really the tight embraces that one made during the first hugs of relief at
the revelation of mutual attraction."
I don't want to ruin the book so I will stop here but I must admit I
am going out to by "Beethovens Third Symphony" LMAO let me know if you do
read these books. Even the author;s Bio in the back of the book is
interesting. I'll end here . Hugs Kenny